I WAS the lucky writer given your latest book to review. I say lucky because that means I get to keep it. Hey, it could even save me buying a Christmas present for my husband. Thanks.

I also got the R20 you forwarded. I believe you sent it to encourage the Book Editor to review the book, because she didn’t feature your last one. Sies on her.

I don’t need encouragement as I’m one of your fans. There are several of us here in Pietermaritzburg. Do you know where that is? Go down to the beach and walk towards Simonstown and keep walking like those people on that TV programme Shoreline did. When you get to Durban, turn left on to the N3. Make sure you stick to the highway as there are crocodiles in the Duzi, poisonous snakes in the thorn veld and small towns full of women who make Kwaai Lappies look like Minnie Mouse. Be sure to put on your fog headlamp when you get to Camperdown. You’ll find us in the mist somewhere past Ashburton.

Your groupies here went into decline when they pulled your column from this paper. We recovered a little when it popped up again in a Sunday paper. However, we are fervent rugby fans and good Christian people here in the “City of Choice” so we don’t buy that paper. It’s because of the back page. They like to write hurtful and untruthful stories about ex-rugby players and clergymen [not clergywomen].

If you ever come here, you’ll be able to tell who we are — you’ll find us on a Sunday morning in the local Spar furtively reading your column at the newspaper stand. To honour you, our Hero, we wear black trench coats and fedoras. That may be why the security guards have taken to Heimlich-manoeuvring us out of the store before we get to the page where your column is. Why does the editor bury it so far inside?

To outwit the guards, we’re going to launch lightning “reading raids” at a different Spar every Sunday. Sadly, some members have decided to read your column online. Shame. They’ll miss out on all the fun of sniggering together like Clive, kneeing each other in the groin and reading the best bits out loud.

But, to get back to your book. It took me some time to finish it as I couldn’t read it in the newsroom. It made me cackle like Brenda and howl like Ted. The subs don’t like noise because it interferes with their creativity. Lacerating copy and hacking pictures is very creative work.

I’m sure I don’t need to say it, but I will, for those who can’t read the lines, let alone between them. Your book is fantastic. I loved it. I don’t know why some people get so upset about what you write. I am hurt that you have been branded a “racist, sexist, homophobic misogynist”. Some people just have no sense of humour. They take themselves and all those trivial matters like race, gender, religion, sex and politics far too seriously.

I believe you have even been accused of being undemocratic. Can’t these people understand that you are the most democratic and patriotic South African of all? You are boorish, disrespectful and insulting to and about everybody and everything equally.

Even though I’m a fan of yours, I have to express some female solidarity with Brenda. Please tell her that our local gun shop is running a special on personal protection items for women. She can contact me if she’d like me to get her an electric quirt or a pepper spray loaded with dilute sulphuric acid.

Yours in support of satire,
JULIA DENNY-DIMITRIOU

P.S. We’re not allowed to keep “gifts” so I donated the R20 to charity.